Releasing the Demons of My Past
Many people don’t understand what happens to a child when they are sexually abused. I can only speak from my personal experience, but I know from working with others who have been through this type of horrid happening, that they are misjudged. People who have not stood in the shoes of a victim should not even attempt to calculate what they “would” do, because until you are put in a certain situation, you really just don’t know.
Many children will bury their hurt and their pain. They will stuff it and pretend that it doesn’t exist. My abuse began when I was three years old and even as the first act happened, it was my saving grace to splinter off and go somewhere else. I can recall witnessing each encounter with my attacker from a third person stance where I was floating above the situation, removed from it. I believe this was my first experience with the Angels and that they were assisting in this out of body type viewpoint to save me. I know with all my heart had I not stuffed and locked away the five years of abuse I would not be alive today. Leaving my body helped me deal with the pain. Hiding the memory helped me deal with life.
As we all know, things don’t remain hidden forever. The “secret” manifested in my body as a physical ailment and my ovarian system was a complicated wreck! I suffered from ovarian issues beginning at age 13 and on into my mid 30’s. In my mid 30’s during the eruption of an ovarian cyst, the memories I had hidden for so long began to come to the surface. It was as if the body could not longer contain the pain and the secret. Much like a volcano builds up pressure, I erupted.
It’s been a long road from that moment to now. I find it interesting that once the memories came forward that the health issues stopped. Physical problems that had plagued me the majority of my life simply vanished. I wish the emotional healing were that simple. I was thrust under the microscope of those close to me, “Why didn’t you say something earlier? Why are you telling this now? Why can’t you just get over it? Are you making this up?”
My saddened response was, “What purpose would I have in creating a falsity like this?” It hurt my soul to know that by many I wasn’t believed, even though this attacker had raped another relative (no, she didn’t come forward either) as well as he had made passes and advances on other family members, all of which I found out about later.
I found myself trapped between two worlds for a while – the childlike me and the adult me. It was as if I had to relive and bring those memories back into my mind in order to heal them. I went through various stages of PTSD as memories of the abuse would come to the surface and I could not control it. I would be shopping at the market and suddenly the panic attack would come over me. I could smell him, I could feel him. It was as if I was that little girl, sprawled out on the bathroom floor all over again. Life and my emotions became a huge balancing act.
Fast forward to today. I still can be triggered, and actually that’s been going on the last few months. When I feel as if I am under attack, emotionally or otherwise, those last bits of memories I have not healed and released come forward. It was during one such recent moment when it came into my awareness that though my abuser was dead, his soul had not crossed. He was an earthbound spirit, suffering and wandering the earth plane in misery. I will admit, this information gave me some satisfaction that karma reigns supreme. What we do to others does come back to us in one form or another. I was pleased he was hurting. I celebrated that he was finally getting his just rewards for the pain he had caused. The little girl in me wanted to do the happy dance, knowing that payback was in place.
Weeks passed. The triggers subsided. Yet still the thoughts of my abuser remained in the back of my mind. I knew, from the work that I do, that I could help him cross over. It was a no-brainer. I’ve dealt with earthbound spirits before and assisted in their crossing to the other side. But did I want to do this? Did I want to end his suffering? Didn’t he deserve to be in misery?
And herein lies the duality of existence – living the human life as a soul. For with all the tools and learning I have, my human mind and human heart are still very much intact. As a soul, I had to address this with myself. Could I act beyond my own hurt and pain? Could I rise above it and help the very person who had impacted my life on such a large degree?
I sat in deep meditation this morning with my guides around me. It was time. It was time to let go. It was time to move to a deeper state of light and holding on to this pain was no longer serving me. I shifted into healer mode, and as I did so I could feel Arch Angel Jophiel and Arch Angel Michael beside me and gathered with them were the Arch Angels Raphael and Gabriel. I could sense my uncle and his pain as Arch Angel Gabriel brought down the tunnel of light. Raphael and Gabriel took him by his hands to guide him through, but he resisted. He said that it was a trap. He was not going to the pits of hell. He knew what was waiting for him.
I walked towards him and placed my hand on his heart. I focused on sending as much light as possible into his spirit. As I did so, I began to clear his energy, calling to release any vibration or lower forms that were holding him here and preventing his crossing. As the clearing progressed, I saw an entity leave his energy field. I recognized the eyes of this entity, for I had seen it each time my uncle molested me. With a flash, the energies were drawn into the light and suddenly my uncle was cleared. He was lighter and brighter and his entire structure and mannerisms changed. He stumbled forward, to the tunnel of light, turning to look back at me.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Please forgive me.” And in that very moment, I did. I let it go. I forgave him. I released the past pains as I watched him enter a space of higher vibration and unconditional love he hadn’t experienced in quite some time.
And here I am, experiencing a higher vibration and unconditional love as well, just on another level. I am here in the duality of life, realizing that being human is a juggling act. Sometimes it’s best to act and react as the stumbling human that I am, and other times it takes embracing my soul to truly understand what this life is really all about – LOVE.
FEAR…Merciless Torment or Powerful Tool ? (Spiders not Included)
Fear is, and always has been, a topic of conversation and debate. Many see fear as a potent manipulation device, while others view it as a debilitating state of pure and total terror. Many a warrior and spiritual leader are said to have conquered their fears. Can fear truly be mastered?
Based on the photo above, I would have to say that this woman is NOT a master of fear.
I believe that our fears reveal great lessons to us, if we allow ourselves to see them. I remember as a young child, seeing and hearing ghosts and other spirits and being overwhelmed with fright. I had no idea why they were showing up; I had no one to talk to about it; and I had no way of stopping myself from seeing them. From the time I was about seven years old, I can remember telling people that I was sure I was going to die of a heart attack brought on by panic. I held onto that belief well into my early twenties. I was the one who needed a night-light on all night or had to have the tv on to sleep. That way, when I heard footsteps or people talking I could simply blame it on the television show. Amazing how those beliefs we have when we are children continue on into adulthood. I mean, seriously, if there was a big, bad boogeyman waiting to get me, I bet the night-light or the tv would not slow him down. I’m just saying….
When you are in a state of fear, others feed off of it, just like a pack of hungry wolves will determine who is the weakest of the pack. I was blessed to be the “baby” of my family and grew up with an older sister and brother. They, of course, thought all my ranting about seeing things was just my overactive imagination and decided to play off those emotions to the hilt. Many a morning, I would slide off my bed, put my feet on the floor and suddenly be screaming at the top of my lungs because I would feel hands grabbing around my ankles. Yes, it was one of their favorite things to hide under my bed and grab me to scare the bezzejus out of me. Another prank they liked to pull was taping my eyes shut while I was sleeping. Then there was locking me in the shed, the garage and other spaces in complete darkness. Talk about a waking nightmare! I understand this was all fun and games to them, and that they meant no lasting harm (except maybe when I tattled a bit too much) but the energies of all those things combined made me a nervous Nelly to say the least. I hold no animosity now as I see it as part of my lesson in life.
Depending on your belief, we could argue whether I “created” those scenarios so that I would be pushed to making a decision about the fear, or that because of the energy I gave off that I attracted these energies to me. Maybe, there is even a finely laid plan written in a galaxy far, far, away that I am just playing my part in. The reasoning as to why it all happened doesn’t really concern me. My actions and how I dealt with it are what I find most important.
Studying Native American Shamanism, I discovered many tools for fear; how to combat it; how to overcome it and how to use it as a learning tool to empower. My first instance of using these principles came when something from my past was triggered, stirring up negative energies and a very nasty entity.
I have always had a deep love and longing for Egypt. From the time I could read, I would devour books that weaved the tales of ancient Egyptian life. I was particularly drawn to the magic and mystery of life in the temples as well as the ritual of death (yeah….go figure!). A friend had gone on a cruise to Egypt and brought back some souvenirs she had purchased in the Valley of the Kings, and I had been collecting other lithographs and trinkets that were of the Egyptian culture. One day, I decided it would be a great idea to hang the prints, including one hand painted papyrus decoration, in my bedroom and arrange the other nick knacks around my altar. I loved the way they looked and it made me very happy to see these pieces on display, outside of my closet. As I went to sleep that night, I had a feeling of unrest, deep in the pit of my stomach. I thought for sure I was going to be physically ill, but I managed to breathe my way through it. Later on, I awoke to the sound of the frame of one of the prints shaking on the wall directly across from me. All those fantastic tools I’d learned to deal with something like this literally flew out of my mind and I was in that state of fight or flight I’d so often been in as a child. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t wake up my husband. I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed with fear.
I pulled the covers over my head and began to pray over and over and over again until the sun came up. And again, I am just astounded by the presumed safety I felt of light; as if nothing bad would happen in the day time or with a night-light on. I told myself that it was a dream and I was fine. I had to pull it together for the sake of my family and go about the day as if it never happened. That trick worked until it was time to sleep that night. Around 2am, the frame started to shake again and this time I saw a half man, half animal shape at the side of my bed, yelling at me and gesturing at me to follow him. He spoke in a dialect I did not understand but could sense the meaning of his words, and he was NOT happy with me! That little-girl reaction took hold of me once more, and I rolled into the fetal position away from this spirit and began to pray and cry. This time, it was so bad that my husband woke up and turned the light on. YAY! LIGHT!!! I was safe again. I could not see, hear or sense this presence with the light on.
By the third day of this, my husband was angry with me, I was a nervous wreck and both of us were snappy from lack of sleep. I consulted my teacher to find out what was going on. Through journeying, we discovered that the energy of the Egyptian artifacts had triggered a past life memory and a past life entity that came through when these memories were unconsciously triggered. It presented as a way for me to harness my fear and in turn clear some karma. Away from the house I was able to think clearly and I took all the information in and decided that the best route to take was to face this fear and banish the entity. I already knew that what I had been doing was definitely NOT working, so I figured it was time for a different course of action.
I took every last piece of anything in the house that was from Egypt outside and placed them on my front lawn in a box. I did not want their energy in the house, and I felt it best to not have any reminders of that time frame. I set up a medicine wheel in the center of our home and began saging the entire house. The next step for me was climbing into the center of the wheel and going into trance to banish this entity. I’d never done this before, but there was a quiet calm that washed over me as I set my intention to take back control of my living environment. I called in my shamanic guides, including one of my most trusted power animals. The entity began to taunt me, “You think because you are in that circle you are safe? You think you have power stronger than mine? Remember what happened the last time we met like this.” Now I could understand every word he spoke perfectly. There was no error in communication. As he tried to enter the medicine wheel, my power animal attacked him. It was a violent fight that seemed to last for several minutes, though I am sure it was only moments of time. Candles blew out, a glass votive holder shattered and glass flew into the middle of the circle. But I knew I was safe. I stayed constant in my intention and high in my vibration and fear was not an option.
The entity was disposed of, and I went around the house, opening windows to allow the sage smoke to filter out. This was in the evening time, around 8-9pm and I could hear my next door neighbors talking in their backyard, “Is she smoking pot on a school night? What’s up with the box in the front yard? Do you think there are bones in that thing?” For those of you unfamiliar with the smell of burning sage, it does smell an awful lot like marijuana. I, of course, wanting to dispel any nasty rumors or false beliefs the neighbors might have, went up to my balcony, which overlooked their backyard and began to chant, dancing around and around and shouting, “bring on the clouds and the rain.” What a time to run out of war paint.
Funny. They suddenly went inside their house after that. Hmmmmmm……
I just figure that there is no sense in feeling bad about things and I may as well just laugh at them. Like the chatty guy in the Starbucks drive thru who wants to carry on a conversation with me when I really just don’t want to tell him personal details about my day. Now, I know he’s being polite and trying to make pleasant conversation while patiently waiting for the green-tea lemonade to be made. But after five straight times of the same questions I finally had the one answer that saved me from being asked about my day ever again. He greeted me very friendly as I drove up to the window, “Hi Angel Lady. Where are you off to today? Have any cool plans to do something fun and exciting?” I replied, with a huge smile on my face, “Well, as a matter of fact I do! I am on my way banish some demonic entities and then I will be leading a séance to speak to the dead. What have you got planned? Anyone in the hereafter you’d like me to call on for you?”
After stammering a very quiet and flustered, “No, thank you,” he turned around and came back with my order in record time. And, if I do say so, when he’s on drive-thru duty, I never have to wait very long.
Hey now, if I took all this stuff too seriously and never made fun of things, where would that get me? There are plenty of other areas of my life I have to be serious about. Besides, laughter is the easiest way to heighten your energy AND it’s FREE!
I felt so empowered after clearing my home. It was the first of many hurdles I faced with the huge fear of the unknown that I had. Little by little, the fear became smaller and my confidence and spiritual power grew. I am forever grateful for the many lessons and gifts that I have encountered along the way. The fear no longer rules my life and I have used what I’ve learned to help others.
We all have a choice as to what we do with our fears, whether they are here within the “real” world or within the other realms. To me, when I feel the sense of panic come on about something, I do my best to switch my perspective about it and thereby change the energy of the situation. It doesn’t always work, but then again, I AM only human, right?
Light comes in many different forms, from the night-light in the hallway, to the love of spirit we carry inside. May you always shine your light brightly!
Love & Laughter,
PS – BIG THANKS to all the readers in all the different parts of the world!!!! Thanks for your wonderful energy and comments. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog by 3/21 to be entered to win a copy of “What You Need to Know to Lead a Spiritual Life”
Catchy title, huh? Don’t worry; it will all make sense soon.
One of the many things I have discovered I am here to do this go round is clear negative energy from people, places, and spaces. Sometimes that involves dealing with imprinted energy from illness or traumatic events and other times it necessitates me doing battle with negative entities, which some refer to as demons.
Now, the whole “demon” word really doesn’t sit well with me, but for lack of any other term I know, this word does describe those beings that choose to be from the dark side. When I think of that word, I am reminded of those “B” movies on the thriller weekend TV channels I watched when I was a little kid. Trust me; what I have confronted is nothing like what you’ve seen on TV! There are no killer clowns, puppets or gremlins, although a few clients have had a close resemblance to Chucky.
How does a space become affected by negativity? There are lots of reasons. An aggressive occurrence, heated display of destructive emotions, or long term illness may have taken place. Sometimes it can simply be energy attached to a visitor that stays long after the visitor has left.
Have you ever had a “Negative Nelly” or a “Debbie Downer” in your home? After they’ve left have things seemed a little off? Or how about the relative you know has an addiction problem or is incredibly depressed? When you are in the same room with them, do you feel uneasy?
Everything is energy. Negative or positive, we are all energetic beings and just like magnets, we pick up and are drawn to certain experiences, be they good or bad.
A few years back, my son, Adam, complained of not being able to sleep because he kept seeing a man staring at him in the doorway of his bedroom. My oldest daughter, whose bedroom was right across from his, was also experiencing strange noises and uneasy feelings.
After tapping into the energy of my house, I determined that there was a portal open in my daughter’s room that was allowing an opening for some not so nice spirits to pass through. The kids were affected by these entities because of their abilities to sense and see spirits.
As a mom, my instinct is to kick out the bastards that are bothering my babies. And really, who needs any more negativity affecting a teenager? Isn’t high school enough? Should my daughter have to deal with demonic forces as well? Trust me; dealing with her mom is enough trouble!
The spiritual side of me had to take a step back though, because if I were to deal with negativity with a negative attitude, guess what I would create? You guessed it…more negativity! When I clear a space, I have to make sure I am at my peak of positive energy. I connect to my higher self and ask for assistance from the Angels and my guides. Sometimes I am drawn to channel an advanced being, depending on the circumstance. Most of all, I choose to focus on the light. With this particular clearing, the message, “Make it fun” kept coming through loud and clear.
I asked a dear friend of mine, who also clears houses, to come over and help me, as well as I was guided to ask Adam, then five years old, to assist. My guidance was telling me to let Adam direct the process and to go with the flow. So, essentially, all those guidelines and bylaws I’d pulled out of my bag of tricks in the past flew right out the window (or should I say portal?).
My friend, Adam and I gathered in the room which I considered to be the heart of my home. We held hands and said a prayer of intention and called in the Angels as we brought in more light to raise the vibration of the house. Then, without even being prompted, Adam got to work.
Adam is unique, to say the least. This child has the ability to see into other realms, look into your soul and watch the Disney Channel or play Xbox all at the same time. His sensitivity is deeper and stronger than anyone I’ve come into contact with, and I know we’ve shared many lifetimes working and serving God together. There was also another lifetime he told me about when he was two, where he chased me on horseback and shot me when I had all those feathers in my hair. He can remember and explain moments when he was on the other side, witnessing the births of his older sisters, as well as tell me about being inside my tummy when he was a baby. The wisdom that comes from his mouth absolutely floors me and in more ways than one, he is my greatest teacher.
Adam began instructing my friend and me to align crystals in a certain pattern along the floor. He said this would turn the Earth on. As I listened, I could see the gridlines in the Earth rise above the floor in a hologram. We placed my large amethyst geode at the beginning of the line of crystals, while Adam sat at the other end, and my friend and I lay down on either side of the crystal pattern. Adam said this would balance things out and then asked my friend to say a prayer and me to sing. I could sense all this was to open more light into the space, and just when I thought we were complete in that room, Adam exclaimed, “No, I forgot one more thing!”
He rushed back to his bedroom and returned holding his bongo drums. My friend and I exploded in laughter, but were quickly directed to be quiet and return to our spots on the floor. Adam replied, “I have to drum out the beat. I have to activate the crystals.”
Activate? Where on Earth did he learn that word? He’s five freaking years old for goodness sake! All these questions raced through my mind as I lay down, next to a line of crystals, on the floor of my living room, listening to my son thump out a rhythm I’d never heard before on his bongo drums. Just as my ego had me doubting my senses, and my mind was praying my husband didn’t come home early from work and walk in on all this, I began to feel the ground vibrate beneath me. It was a buzzing a vibration I could feel through my whole body. As it began, the vibration seemed to increase with every drum beat. After a few moments of complete bliss, I was brought back to reality by Adam telling us we were done with this part now.
Man, just when I was getting my groove on, too!
We walked down the hallway to the bedroom where the portal was located. I had an uneasy feeling, and I could see the same response in my friend and my son. Adam turned to me and said, “The big one is still in there. The other ones left, but the big one wants to stay.”
Chills ran up and down my back and the hair on my neck stood straight up. The three of us went outside to get out of the energy as it began affecting us physically. The mom in me kicked in hard, and I did not want Adam in the energy of the entity that was trying to protect the portal. I asked my friend to stay with Adam and reentered the house.
I brought in all the light I could possibly hold and radiated it through the entire house. I approached the room and saw the portal along with the demonic entity guarding the opening. I raised my hands to shine the light inside the room to alter the energy so that I could enter. This only enraged the entity further and as I looked at it I could feel an imprint of vibration I recognized from long ago. His core energy had an Egyptian resonance, and not in a good way.
My guide, the Goddess, Sashet, was near and our energies merged together. Ancient words were spoken and as each syllable fell from my mouth, the entity became smaller and smaller, until he disintegrated completely. I then walked into the room, closed the portal opening, and was drawn to inscribe a star like symbol over the closure.
Now, I know you’re probably wondering what type of earth altering drug was I smoking, or how often do I speak ancient Egyptian (by the way, it was the banishment charm which sends energies back to where they first originated, in case you were wondering). Maybe you are even wondering how I could possibly allow my child to participate in a clearing.
I’ve asked myself all those things. My logical side is just as strong as my spiritual side and it is something I struggle to balance on a daily basis. But when I turn off that logical side, and I am in the moment, great things happen. All the Shamanic teachings come forth and life makes sense. There are no questions, just actions and reactions.
When Adam came back into the house after I closed the portal, he told me the Angels were singing. I heard them before he told me. He said the house was clear and that evening he and his sister slept through the night without any problems.
Why should I question feelings that others don’t speak about, even when my own children confirm them? Maybe the answer to that lies in the Bongo Drums.
I had no idea Adam was going to use those drums, or know anything about activating the crystals. When he brought those drums out, I could easily have doubted him and lowered his confidence by questioning his intuition. Instead, I chose to trust.
And I, in turn, was gifted with a most magical experience, bongo drums and all.
Trust in your intuition. It will take you further than you could ever imagine.