C’Mon – Get OVER it Already…Really?

JustGetOverIt

C’Mon – Get OVER it Already…

How many times have you heard that phrase – “Get over it!”  I’m guessing, quite a lot.  From the time of childhood scrapes and falls to later on break-ups and upsets, the seasoned advice from our elders and peers can take the form of mandated , obligatory swallowing of emotion and unexpressed feelings.

Why?  Because it’s the right thing to do?  Because you are stronger if you don’t show how you feel?  Does it make you look better if you don’t express that let-down, the anger, the pain or the sorrow that brims up within you?

NO.

That’s not the reason for the, “Get over it” many people advise.  They say these words and offer this response because they are uncomfortable with expression, especially of subjects like pain, shame or loss.

Who determines when we are clear?  When we have resolved old energies that have sat within us?  Who sets the bar of the level of acceptable healing and expression?

WE DO.

If you allow anyone else to decide your comfort and expression for you, then you are truly holding back on yourself and willingly giving away your power.

Many of the issues in the world today are caused because of lack of communication, expression and the rush to just “get over” things.  And when families adopt this as their pattern, generations are imprinted with the philosophy that pushing the pain down is the best way to deal with life.  Want to know why things like cancer, heart disease and stroke are hereditary?  Take a look at how these families deal with life and their emotions.   It goes way beyond a simple predisposition of dis-ease.

Now it’s very easy to get caught up in the play by play – retelling the same story over and over, explaining your feelings and emotions.  Sometimes an addiction can form by identifying so much with the drama of the story itself, as well as the reactions given when the story is shared.  That is something quite different from suppressing trauma.

I am reminded of an incident that happened when I was six years old and in first grade.  A little boy, named Sean, came up behind me while we were in line getting ready to go back to class from recess.  He lifted up my skirt, pulled down my underwear and kissed my butt cheek.  I was mortified.  I began crying uncontrollably and ran to tell the teacher.  I explained what happened, and Sean was punished.  I was sent to the restroom to wash my face, but still the tears kept coming.  I could not stop crying.  I returned to class and much to my teacher’s dismay, it was quite apparent that I had not calmed down.  I remember her grabbing me by my shoulders, looking down at me and grimacing, “It’s done.  It’s over.  Get over it. Suck it up and move on.”  She shook me by my shoulders and I was scared to the point that I knew I needed to stop crying.

Get over it.

To anyone else, this may have been an overreaction of a six-year-old girl who was embarrassed to have her underwear pulled down.  But to someone who’d been sexually abused, like I’d been, it was something entirely different.  I had never been able to tell anyone about my uncle that molested me.  I was told to keep it a secret, and I did – for decades.  Who knows if the truth would’ve come out that day if I could have let the rest of that pain and shame out.  It’s a possibility.  Maybe the abuse would’ve stopped.  Maybe my entire life would’ve been different.  Who knows.  I don’t put that responsibility on my teacher, but I use this as an example that we never really know all that goes in another’s life other than what we see on the surface.  To hold them to a personal standard or  curtail their expression because it’s more convenient is a travesty.

 Want to know what happens to those emotions and pain that we readily stuff down?  They manifest in the physical.  That energy has to go somewhere.  Many times it will appear through personality traits and redirection, but that only allows so much release.  Until an emotion is dealt with and healed, it lays buried in the physical body expressing itself in a much different way.  Sometimes the pain is so deep seeded, that the only way for the brain to deal with it is to hide the memory.  This can result in PTSD, personality dissociation, and many other psychological issues.  Because once again, that energy has to go somewhere.

I was diagnosed with ovarian issues at the age of twelve and had to have my first female exam at that time.  I’d had a lady family doctor, so going to see an OB/GYN freaked me out enough, but knowing that I would have a male doctor was much worse.  This man was an old school MD.  His office was dark, with paneled walls and a musty smell.  His desk sat on one side of the room and the exam table was on the other side of the room.  We sat and discussed my symptoms, and soon I was directed to get into a gown, lay on the table and place my feet in the stirrups.

The first thing I noticed when the doctor came back into the room was the heat coming from the lamp at the end of the table as he moved it closer to me.  The second thing I noticed was that he didn’t put exam gloves on.

He began his examination, which was quite painful, and I began to cry.  I was embarrassed.  I wanted to die.  I wanted him to stop.  He said he’d found a “blockage” and proceeded to get a set of surgical scissors and without any numbing agents cut me.  I screamed as he did this and began to move from the table, trying to escape.  He held my legs down and scolded me, telling me not to be a baby, that it didn’t hurt that bad.  And as he grabbed tissues and began mopping up the blood, he said, “Get over it.  You have nothing to cry about now.”

Get over it.

Well, things didn’t work out that way.

Those memories and experiences took their toll on me, both physically and emotionally.  They shaped my life and by not releasing them, I faced several hurdles I had to cross.  In my late thirties, this all came to a head, when one night I was pushed down on my bed by a trusted member of the family.  He had followed me into my room, told me he loved me and wanted me for himself.  For the first time in my life I stood my ground and said No.  I pushed back at him and demanded that he leave.  And that is when the childhood memories started to slowly come up to the surface.  That one intense experience, where I was able to align with my power, opened a door that had been closed for sometime.

Within a few weeks, after severe bouts of pain, I had an ovarian cyst burst.  As I moved through feeling the physical trauma, the emotions that I had hidden away for such a long time came flooding back into my conscious memory.  I relived the experiences of abuse starting from the age of three and going on until I was eight years old.  I didn’t have the perception then, that I do now, to know that this was a process of release.  The emotions had stored in my sexual organs (the ovaries) and when the cyst burst, by feeling the physical pain, the emotion came forward as well.  That energy was released, so the memories were released right along with it.

I can tell you with all honesty that this event turned my life upside down.  When I looked for support and assistance in working through this, I turned to a friend who happened to be in the alternative health field as well.  She told me about imbalances she was picking up in my energy field, and I told her what I was feeling in regards to the sexual abuse, which I believed was causing the issue.  Her reply back to me was, “Get over it.  In fact get the f*** over it.  It’s in the past.  You will never be able to do the work you need to do here until you get over it.”

Get over it. Get the f*** over it.

While all of these people who gave this advice may have meant well, their words burned into my mind and even deeper into my soul.  I believed myself to be weak and inept at breaking free of the heaviness of guilt, shame and pain.  But one thing was very clear to me – I could not just “get over it.”  There was no magic wand, no prayer, no ritual or therapy that would instantly sweep all those lower emotions from my mind.  I had to feel them.  I had to express them.  I had to purge them from my very existence until I could feel them no longer.

I couldn’t get over it.  I had to move through it.

There are still times when I will be triggered.  A photo will come up that reminds me of a memory of that time, or someone will mention something else that takes me back.  I will be saddened, but now instead of pushing those emotions away, I allow myself to feel them.  By doing so, I am healthier, happier and much cleared than I’ve been before.

Don’t hold back on yourself by allowing someone to dictate your level of expression.  Move through the emotions at your own speed. No other soul walks the path of your journey.  There is never a time limit for healing.

Forgiveness

cannot forgive

 

 

~ Forgiveness ~

 

Concept – The concept of forgiveness is not difficult.  Forgiveness is to let go and release all ill will, past hurts, and negative feelings toward those who you feel have wronged you.  Quite an easy concept; Not necessarily so easy to implement though!

When do We Forgive? – How do we get to that place in our lives where we are ready to forgive?  That’s an individual’s choice.  Some people can forgive readily, and others choose to take grievances to their grave.  Perhaps it is best to explain what happens energetically when two people have a negative exchange of energy.

Negative Exchange – Let’s say Johnny wants to play with Sally’s basketball.  Sally doesn’t want to share.  Johnny tries to steal it, and Sally doesn’t let him.  Johnny calls Sally a bad person and tells her that he hates her.

What happens next is the defining factor of the argument.  Does Johnny feel bad for being negative and hurtful?  Does Sally feel remorse for not sharing?  Is she crying because she was called a bad name, and more importantly, does she now OWN IT?  Does she take on that one statement Johnny made and adopt it as a belief about herself?

People can only hurt us if we allow them to hurt us.  This accounts for ALL actions.  And yes, I know this sounds simplistic, and that’s because it is simple.

It’s not always name calling and sharing we’re dealing with either.  Most times it is much more calculated and sinister, and still other times its frivolous and a downright misunderstanding.

If Sally believes what Johnny said – that she was hated and that she was a bad person, this influences now the way she acts.  She absorbs it.  Her thinking turns from one of confidence to one of doubt and possibly even shame.  She begins to pull away from other friends and family because she feels “not good enough” and wonders if she is around other people if she will hurt them as well.

Johnny walks away feeling sad; He didn’t get to play with the basketball.  He didn’t get to play with his friend.  His adrenaline is high because of the altercation and bad vibes he’s put out and he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on in his head.  The more he thinks about the whole situation, the more he blames Sally.

Neither Sally nor Johnny is letting it go.  They’ve just planted seeds, basically, that will grow and fester into other negative beliefs, thoughts and actions.

This example shows the negative exchange between two children, and many times children are able to shake things off and not hold them inside.  They are also the Masters at the words, “I’m sorry.”  Forgiveness comes quite easily to them and they let the negativity flow through them and continue on their merry way.  Have you ever seen two boys on a playground, pushing and shoving each other?  One falls down, the other helps him up and they continue on playing.  We could learn a lot from children.

How to Remove the Negative Energy and Move to a Place of Forgiveness – It all really depends on your philosophy.  There are people who can really just focus their intention on the ideal of forgiveness and let go that way.  I’ve had a client that was having a problem getting pregnant.  All was well on the physical level of things for her and her husband.  There was no medical reason why she could not conceive.

Digging a little deeper during a session with her, I received the information that she’d been sexually abused as a child.  She accepted this and explained that she would work on releasing this energy on her own.  People who’ve had the experience of sexual abuse many times require assistance in this area to heal.  I was thrilled to learn that my client was able to let go of the situation and the person who abused her as well as become pregnant just a few short months later.  I am happy to say she is now a proud Mommy of two very incredible children.

It can be that simple, but it can also involve a bit more investigating.  When we own a false belief, it becomes compounded over the years by various other episodes and experiences proving the validity of said false belief; adding more fuel to the fire.

Many a spiritual teacher of mine have compared my life to the layers of an onion.  You peel back one layer at a time to reveal the next layer.  Our hurts that we carry can often feel that way.  Once we let go of one level, there is yet another level underneath to be explored.

You can spend years on the couch at a therapist’s office digging into your life and what makes you tick.  I’m not knocking this at all.  Therapy is awesome and it has helped me immensely – when done by a caring and gifted therapist.  The objective of therapy is to discover the core issue and move to a resolution of it.

You may also want to seek out alternative modalities to assist in the release process.  Amanae work is a blending of body and breath work that is amazing.  Hypnosis and other regression methods are also beneficial.

Other Methods of Forgiveness

Meditation – setting your intention during a meditation to release and let go of past hurts and people who have harmed you.

Prayer – calling in your higher power, guide, Angel or deceased loved one and ask for their assistance in letting go.

Ho’o’ponopono – A Hawaiian Huna (Shaman) technique that is quite powerful.

Forgiveness Begins Inside – No matter the situation, we must allow ourselves the gift of forgiveness as well, for there is a part of us that is responsible for the experience.  We bought into it, we believed, we allowed.  Self-forgiveness can be difficult at first, but you will find that this is very freeing and will further you along on your Spiritual Path and bring you clearer understanding and focus.

Rage On…Let the Sparks Fly Without Pulling Your Hair Out

RAGE

How Many Times Have You Felt Like This ??

Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones who is centered, balanced and meditates away the need to scream, yell or express that torrid, horrendous, monstrosity we call rage.  If you are, congratulations!  I certainly have never felt that luxury.  

Rage, to me, is that feeling that wells up inside my belly and spreads it’s firey vibration throughout my entire body.  Little dramatic?  Maybe.  But rage, it seems, has been my constant companion since birth when my legs were broken and re-set in casts up to my hips.  I would get so mad about being confined in those damn things, and they were so heavy.  But I would use that anger and learned to lift those little kickers up anyways, no matter how red my face got or how much my mother thought my brain was going to explode.  No, I wasn’t beaten.  I was born with my feet and legs pointed inward; a side effect I’ve learned coming from lifetimes of sexual abuse, but that’s another story.

Rage is a feeling more powerful than anger.  Rage is passionate, it digs it’s heels in and upholds it’s convictions, whether they are perceived as right or wrong.  Rage does not come on, all of a sudden.  It is ignited.  Like dropping a match on a pile of unwanted papers, Rage grows into a blazing inferno of pent up emotions and feelings that have been building up from non-expression.  Like the straw that broke the camel’s back, one small thing can trigger this almighty spurning of spontaneous combustion.

And what do most of us do in that explosive state?  We yell.  We scream.  We say vehement, horrible words and sometimes hurt people that have nothings to do with what it is we are really angry about.

OR…just as we are about to completely blow up and let go of all that’s been stored inside us, we stop.  We push those feelings right back down again.  We rationalize that now is not the time or place to “let it rip.” And so the wall where we place our injustices and negativity continues to grow.  We even manifest this wall in our physical bodies.  As we shut off and shut down our emotions, the energy of them becomes trapped inside the body.  This energy will exhibit as headaches, migraines, muscle aches and pains, liver problems, depression, lack of get up and go, and suppressed immune systems.

Neither way is a really good plan when you think about it.

And we wonder why people “snap” when they do.  Why would someone, who seemingly has it all together, suddenly snap and act completely out of character?  Could it be that the straw finally fell and really did break the camel’s back?  What emotions were laying dormant within their “wall” that became activated by that one word, or one action that triggered a lifetime of restraint to unravel and beak free?  The human brain is a wondrous puzzle that holds so many mysteries.  One could argue that it is within our cellular structure to react in such a way, or even that it is a learned response.  In both scenarios, I believe that the psychological reaction of “snapping” can be relieved by self expression and physical action.

I’ve learned many ways to deal with rage over the years.  I do not declare myself a Master of it in any way, shape or form!  But I have been privy to some wonderful lessons in self expression that continue to help me cope with this emotion.  One of the best ways to deal with rage is to NOT LET THINGS BUILD UP!  Does that mean you let every four lettered word fly out of your mouth when you get irritated?  Maybe…if that’s your way of expression (just think of your surroundings and consider possibly doing that while you are alone if necessary).  Obviously we still exist in society and can’t just tell the teacher to screw off or bitch slap the neighbor as a matter of self expression.  If only…

If you deal with the negative emotion when first felt, it is easier to release and therefor does not present as a physical or emotional issue later on.  One thing I began doing since I was a small child, was imagining I was melting people when I got angry at them.  By the time I was four, I was told I had a dirty look that could melt an iceberg.  Even later on in life when I was modeling, a photographer once asked me to give him a “hard, angry look” and when I complied he stopped and came out from behind the camera and said, “Uh…not quite that hard, ok?”  Now, I realize what I was doing on an energetic level.  I was conveying all through my eyes what I felt I could not say with words.  I expressed it and I let it go.  I was not wishing harm on the other person.  I was merely visualizing the problem melting away.  Then everything was cool, and life went on.

I love to watch children interact.  They are so transparent with their thoughts and feelings.  They get in a fight on the playground, express their feelings, and move on.  It’s as simple as that.  Only later in life do we learn habits and patterns that curtail our self expression.  Ever put your hands on the shoulder of a five year old?  Most likely they feel relaxed and fluid.  Part of that is their age and muscle structure, but most of it is because they allow their emotions to flow through and not build up inside.

There are many form of anger release.  Here are some that have worked wonders for me:

  • Journaling – let go of all the feelings and place them on paper (I call this word vomit).  When you are done, rip it up or burn it.
  • Primal Scream – scream into a pillow or out the window of the car (preferably when you are not at a stop light) until you can’t scream any more.  I will drive through the mountains on a two lane highway and just let go.  Sometimes it is a mournful scream that erupts later into laughter, and other times it is a spew of phrases and memories.
  • Break Things – go to the thrift store or a garage sale and buy some cheap dinnerware.  Set up a place where you can safely break each piece.  Let the rage go with each throw and shatter.  And if you are crafty, you can use the broken pieces to make a mosaic…LOL.
  • Rip Up – Rip up newspaper or grab some old clothing, material or rags and shred them with your bare hands.
  • Vent to a Friend – contact someone you trust and let the feelings flow.
  • Write a letter – Write a letter to the person, company or situation that has you in a rageful state.  Express everything you’ve been holding back.  When complete, burn it.  Write a letter to your guide or Angel, again expressing every thought and emotion.  Ask for their guidance as you write the letter and see what comes through.
  • Pray – Surrender to the power of prayer and ask your higher power to help you release these feelings.
  • Dig a Hole – this is a Native American technique to let go of rage and anger.  Dig a hole about 10-12 inches into the Earth.  The hole needs to be big enough for you to place your head inside it.  Lay on the ground with your head in the hole and begin screaming and yelling your truth.  As you do this, the intent is to ask Mother Earth to transmute the negative energy back to the Universe as pure, unconditional love and heal this anger within you.  You lay upon the Earth for grounding and continue to speak, scream and swear until the words no longer flow.  When the process is complete, you bury the hole and give gratitude to Spirit and Mother Earth.

HOLE WARNING: (did I really just write that?) Be very careful of where you dig your hole.  The first time I did this, it was after sundown and I was in a place I was not familiar with.  I dug out my hole, placed my head inside and began to scream about what was bothering me.  Soon, I felt little blips of pain on my hands and neck that felt like pins and needles.  I am thinking, wow what a great job I’m doing, and look how fast this release stuff works.  Soon my screams developed into blood curdling cries as I realized I had dug my hole close to an ant nest.  Word of caution – bring a flashlight!

Many people believe that holding onto rage allows them a powerful tool that propels them forward.  That may work for a while, but when the final goal is achieved that they have  pushed so hard for, the person is left in a state of overwhelm and emptiness.

Allow yourself the luxury of emotional expression.  As you do, you not only bring yourself to a higher state of being, but you also raise up the rest of the world around you.

Love & Laughter,

Danielle