A title caught my attention as I was looking for something to watch on tv – “I Am Dying,” was the title of a one hour time slot documentary on NatGeo. Not the typical comedy or history driven program I am usually geared towards, but I was drawn nonetheless.
The feature is all about Renee, a young woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s about her life, her passions, her accomplishments, her struggles and eventually her death. It’s about not only Renee’s experiences, but also those of her family, her friends and her caregivers.
This is a powerful journey I highly recommend you witness on your own. Cancer in our society is portrayed in many ways and by numerous definitions. There is the big pharma and western medicine view, the Hollywood movie drama, the karmic or religious standpoint, and yet unless you’ve lived through it, whether it be your own health crisis or that of someone you love, no portrayal ever really touches on all aspects of cancer. Not until this movie.
NatGeo, Joaquin Phoenix, Casey Affleck and the film’s directors have put together a compassionate reality of what Renee experienced. This powerful film shows the life changing choices we have to make, both as stewards of our own health care, and as caregivers of our loved ones.
It’s REAL. It’s GRIPPING. It’s the closest thing I’ve seen placed on film that fully describes what day to day life is like for someone in Renee’s particular situation. You will see her daily treatments, the process she goes through as her mind and body begin to shut down, and most definitely you will witness the loving care and kindness that surround her.
I’ve had the role of caregiver for loved ones in this situation and it’s not easy. I’ve watched people I love more than anything slowly wither away because of a horrid disease called cancer.
Many people shy away from dealing with those that are sick or who have been given a diagnosis such as cancer. They go into fear, they don’t understand, and it’s easier to not deal with it than to face it. I get that. It’s not simple or comfortable to see someone dealing with chemo or side affects from a sickness. It’s not pleasant. But a small effort can make a huge difference in that person’s life.
I recommend this film to all who’ve been affected by cancer, to all who wonder what REALLY goes on in the life of a terminal cancer patient, and to all who want to make a difference.
Positive change can start with YOU. Knowledge is power. If you witness someone else’s journey then you will have greater understanding. And then the next time you see someone you know who is suffering from this disease, you can see them with compassion – you can smile at them with light, and not pity. You can look them in the eye with honor and respect, no longer afraid of their diagnosis, and with understanding within your heart.
God bless Renee Heidtman and her loving family and friends for their willingness to share this courageous journey with rest of the world. Renee will be remembered for her light, strength and beautiful spirit, not a diagnosis on a medical chart.
Most children learn the word, “no,”during the terrible twos age. They are creating their own space and searching for their independence by asserting what they like, what they don’t like and what they just have no use in trying out whatsoever. It’s a part of understanding the process of setting boundaries and even goes deeper than that if you care to discuss the mainstay of human survival. We, as humans, need to create healthy boundaries so we can exist and flourish in this game of life. That’s one of the reasons small children are so fond of the word no – they are expressing their power and trying to assert control over their lives. Now, at two years old, there’s really not a heck of a lot of control they have, but it sets the tone for all things later in life.
But what happens when a child is taught to not create these boundaries? What happens when a child is taught that they cannot say no, and that its okay for other people to dominate them, control them and abuse them?
I can tell you it’s not easy to set boundaries, or even feel like you have a right to tell someone, “no”, when it’s been instilled in you that you have no voice, that your feelings don’t matter, and someone else’s pleasure takes precedent over your pain. As a kid, you feel like you just don’t matter, or you bury it somewhere deep inside in a dark place where it grows like a disease in the recesses of suppressed memory.
Saying, “NO,” sound so simple, right? It’s a small word. It’s easy to pronounce. Most people understand it, no matter their language. And yet, it can be so difficult to express for many of us.
When my uncle first abused me at the age of three, I didn’t know what was happening. I trusted him. I loved him. I just thought he was giving me a bath. When I felt the physical pain of it, he told me this was the way it was supposed to be and I couldn’t say no. I gave away all my power to him.
This set up a lifetime of continuously doing that over and over and over again – giving away my power, especially to those I viewed as authority figures, or older adults. I suffered sexual abuse more times than I care to remember or dwell upon. When I would get in situations where I felt a physical, mental, or emotional violation, I would withdraw and go right back to that three-year old perspective of not having a voice. The times when I did seem to find my voice, it came out screeching and filled with venom. It was as if all the times I hadn’t spoken were bottled up inside and came out in one gigantic wave. The emotion would be so strong, that my opinion still didn’t matter, because I came across as a screaming shrew.
Finding that balance of speaking my truth, while being in my power has been one of my greatest lessons. It’s still something I contend with and am very sensitive about. I analyze my words and do my best to keep myself in check to make sure I am not exaggerating based on an emotional trigger. And honestly, sometimes, I just let the words rip from my mouth, because that’s what the situation calls for.
Mostly, I’ve discovered I am a whole lot happier and healthier by allowing myself to say, “NO”. That word means not at all, to no extent, and it’s necessary to set those boundaries for yourself. It’s not your job to make everyone happy. You owe it to yourself to BE happy.
I’ve learned it’s okay to say, “NO,” to anyone – your spouse, your kids, your family, your friends, your boss, etc. Heck, it’s okay to SCREAM it if you need to.
Just don’t say, “NO,” to your power and your boundaries. They are important and YOU are worthy of them.
On the way home from running errands, I heard a voice say, “You need to stop at the cemetery.” I tried to brush it aside, because I have a bizillion things to do on my to do list today, but as I got closer to the cemetery, I began hearing a little girl’s name and seeing flowers next to a grave and knew I had to stop.
I pulled up to the side of the children’s part of the cemetery and asked to be shown where I needed to go. I soon found a recent grave with a flower arrangement, teddy bear and angel statue upon it. This was under a shade tree and as I tuned into the energy around me I saw her, a little girl, looking about 18 months old, hiding behind the tree, looking lost.
All I wanted to do was gather her up in my arms and take all her fears away. I began to communicate with her, and she was very timid, very shy and very scared. I asked for one of my power animals to connect with her and as he came over and rubbed his head against her, she began to smile.
This little soul was earthbound, so much in shock from a sudden death and pulled to the Earth plane by her grieving parents, that she didn’t cross over. It wasn’t that she wasn’t worthy or anything like that, she had just resisted when it was time to cross and was therefor stuck between two worlds.
I connected with Arch Angel Gabriel and asked for the tunnel of light to open for her, and Arch Angel Jophiel came forward and started coaxing the girl towards the light. Jophiel and my animal spirit walking with the little girl towards the light when suddenly an older woman came through and reached out her hand to the little girl.
I believe this female spirit to be her grandmother, and one the little girl had not known in the physical, but completely recognized. She ran to the woman with delight and crossed over easily and with joy.
As I stood in the middle of the cemetery, suddenly my to do list didn’t seem so big, in fact in didn’t really matter at all. All that mattered was that moment, that moment of love, of peace and of joy.
We are all just here, walking each other home in one way or another. Take the time to listen to that inner guidance, even when it’s the last thing on your list to do. You never know what gift may be waiting for you right around the corner.
Each year, when Mother’s Day comes around, I am reminded of this experience I had several years ago. I wrote this article for a magazine and share it with you now in honor of all the Moms out there who care so deeply for their children.
A Mother’s Love Never Ends
My Mother’s Day experience a few years ago was one of those “ah-hah” moments that God so wonderfully puts in our path to teach us life lessons of love and wisdom. Every year when Mother’s Day comes around, I am reminded of this event that so deeply impacted my life.
My husband was scheduled for an 11 hr shift at work putting him out of the house from 10am until 9pm. This did not leave much time for us to celebrate Mother’s Day as a family, meaning more specifically him keeping our three kids in line while I was able to relax. I was disappointed, but completely understood and was concentrating on the fact that my wonderful husband took an entire week off work the previous week so that I could attend a seminar. I continued throughout the day to try to push that “being a girl” side of me away – you know the one – that overly sensitive, emotional side – well, that did not work! Trying to push that away only attracted those feelings to me more (Oh – don’t we all LOVE the LAW OF ATTRACTION!). It was like trying to keep the bar of Dove Chocolate away from the PMS victim – it was NOT going to happen. So I spent a good deal of my day being angry, feeling sorry for myself and listening to the kids fight, which I am sure was more than triggered by me being depressed. I was not in one of those “love and light” type of moods, if you get my meaning.
My husband called to see if we would meet him for an early dinner at an Italian place near his work. We went and the restaurant was closed! Mother’s Day dinner was taco shop for me, but at least I did not have to cook! On the way home from dinner, we passed by the site of a horrific car accident that happened a few miles away from our home a week earlier. The area where the accident had happened had been turned into a memorial with candles, balloons, and flowers. As I passed, I saw him again just as I had seen him in the few days previous to this one. There stood a little boy, looking lost and confused, just staring at the memorial. I knew he was lost. It did not register to him the extent of what happened and his soul had gone into shock, not able to cross over with the others. Being a medium, I see spirits and feel them, but do not always go out of my way to help them cross. At times, this is their lesson to remain earth bound, so it just depends on the energy. Some have unfinished business, others are stuck. As this is a planet of free will, I do not take it upon myself to help any spirit I might see cross over. This boy, however, tugged at my heart. As I passed by, I promised myself I would come back that evening, after things had calmed down with my kids and see if I could help him.
I returned later that night to still find him there, standing near the balloons and flowers. I pulled off the road and onto the dirt lot where the memorial was placed. One single candle was still burning. It was surreal. I had found his name through some research, as well as the name of his mother who had passed in the car crash. He stood there listlessly staring at the street where the drunk driver had hit his family’s car. Flashes of the accident went through my mind – the moments before impact when the children were laughing, when the mother and her sister were discussing their plans. I saw the force of the collision and the SUV spin out of control, flip and burst into flames. I heard the screams of everyone inside the car. I knew as I saw these visions, that this poor child was seeing the same scene, played over and over.
Tears came to my eyes as I called in my guides and the Arch Angels Michael, Gabriel and Jophiel to assist me. I asked Gabriel to make a vortex of light so that the boy could see it and pass through onto the other side. As I spoke to the boy, he was unsure of what was happening as he moved toward me and walked in my direction. I explained that his mother was waiting for him in heaven and that all was fine. He saw the light and stepped towards it but was still hesitant. I began to speak the words “I love you” in his language as his Mother reached out her hand to accept him into this tunnel of pure and divine love. They embraced and looked over at me one last time as if to say thank you and then the tunnel closed. I knew he had crossed and that his soul was at peace. It was a beautiful and loving experience for me. So many lessons I learned that Mother’s Day.
I have learned that the most loving gift and lesson I can ever have is to help another. I have learned that when I get so wrapped up in my own “stuff” the best way to get out of it if to assist someone else. The most precious thing I think any of us here on this planet can do is to serve others through love and compassion. That can be through a smile, a touch, loving energy, watering a plant, patting a pet on the head or simply speaking the words, “I Love You”. Know that we ALL make a difference here. We all have the ability to express ourselves through love and light.
This has taught me to be so grateful for what I do have in my life, and not concentrate on what is “missing”. Please, give your children an extra hug today and know how blessed we all are for having them in our lives.
On a side note, a year or so later, I was at a dear friend’s home, who happens to be a healer. I had a session with her in which she took several photos during the healing. As we sat at her table while she uploaded the images, my eyes fixated on a photo laying in front of me. I recognized the person in the image immediately. The person in the photo was the boy’s mother. She was in the photo, hovering above a man laying down on the healing bed. It looked as if she was comforting him. When I asked my friend about the picture she explained that this man’s family had been killed in a drunk driver car accident. He had come to see her before he left the country to hopefully release the guilt and grief he’d been feeling. I know with all my heart that I was meant to see this picture. It was one more confirmation and a feeling of gratitude ran through me.
God gives us no coincidences. It is up to us to see things as they are and revel in the miracles that surround us.
The Season of Spring is here! So often that entails clearing and cleaning those routine things, or even perhaps those issues we’ve been avoiding.
My personal cleaning and clearing began with me taking a hard look and evaluating my physical self. For much of my life I have ignored the signs and messages my body has given me and chose to push forward, masking these needs and instead traveling to an etheric playground where things like pain and suffering do not exist.
As I took inventory of the false beliefs I’d come to instill within my core self, I began to put the puzzle pieces together. So much of my ideals and underlying struggle still remained in lessons I was taught as a child.
My mother was, and still very much remains, what I like to lovingly call a pill whore. Yes, I know that sounds cold and callous, but I deal with this with my sarcasm. It’s a tool I use quite frequently. When I would have a headache, I was given a pill to cure it. When I had to have my first gynecological exam at the age of 12, I was given a valium to deal with it. When I had menstrual cramps at 13, codeine became my best friend.
I was taught that whenever you received a prescription medication, make sure to refill it, even if you didn’t really need it, because chances are you’d be sick again in the near future, or someone in the family would be, and we would need that medicine. I began doling out Mom’s meds to her by the time I was six, which was a constant combination of uppers, downers, pain killers and so forth. Drugs were plain and simple, a way of life. This is how you dealt with things.
Fast forward to present day and I find myself plagued with symptoms of low energy level, headaches, heart palpitations, hair loss, inflammation, low metabolism, and achiness over my entire body. Regular medication is not working. I intuitively know my thyroid is out of balance, even though I am on a natural medication to assist this problem. My MD feels I fall within the “normal range” of things, and that my medication does not need to be increased.
Clarification – I’ve never been normal. Let’s just make that clear.
So, for once, I decided to LISTEN to my body. I allowed myself to feel all the different things that didn’t feel right. I didn’t take a pill or an Advil to get me through it. I just sat with the feelings, searching for emotional sensations and reactions.
Through this process, I knew I needed to do something, and something drastic to try and shock my system back into balance. I looked at my poor diet and knew it needed to start there. So I began to go cold turkey – no more gluten, dairy, sugar or caffeine. The first few days were a complete blur, as I moved through the detox symptoms. It wasn’t easy and sure was not pretty.
But after a week, I began to notice something. My joints weren’t hurting. My face wasn’t puffy, the swelling in my legs and feet had vanished and quite interestingly enough, I did not have the recurrent headaches. I began exercising daily, moving my body and increasing my water intake.
I also rediscovered the wonderful gift of daily meditation. Each morning, I would take quiet time for me and go into a healing trance, calling in my Spiritual Support Team and asking for their assistance in clearing away that which I needed to let go of. I would concentrate on bringing in a higher vibration to repair damage caused within the body and then I would fill the void with light.
Then began another part of the clearing.
I opened up my medicine cabinet one morning and saw the truth staring back at me. Here were bottles and bottles of unused prescription drugs I was no longer taking. I opened drawers and found more and more bottles – my “just in case” stash that I’d accumulated from various aches and pains. Some had never even been used or opened, because I refused to take them. I began the process of removing all the drugs from my stash, and realized I was building a large mound of prescription bottles. By the time I’d cleaned out my drawers, I had 32 prescriptions. These were an accumulation over the last four years, from when my health had various ups and downs.
I was shocked when I saw the pile of bottles. They had been hidden inside my drawers and medicine cabinet, hardly ever seeing the light of day, just like so many of the aches and pains I had stored in my body.
I correctly disposed of the meds, and thought about this clearing process. By trashing these pills I’d been hanging onto because of a pattern I’d acquired since childhood, I let go of all that stagnant energy. I realized that when I listen to my body when it is trying to tell me something, I can usually figure out what it is I need to do. Most times it’s an easy fix, some deep breathing, a glass of water, stretching, a walk or maybe I need to express something I’ve been holding back. I am finally really grasping the lesson of self-coping and being present.
I understand that prescription medications have their place in this world, and they have saved countless lives. But I also believe they are harshly overused and severely abused within our society. There is never a magic button to push or a magic pill to swallow that makes everything better.
Finally, at the ripe old age of 44, I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I am listening to my body now as much as I do to my spirit. For me, that is a huge change and one that I am deeply embracing on every level.
It’s a beautiful gift when we can appreciate the wonder and blessings that exist right inside us. They’ve always been there. Sometimes we just ignore them or perhaps were never shown how to find them in the first place.
It’s never too late to start exploring….go ahead. Have fun with it!
I am looking forward to continuing on in the blessed energy of springtime, holding onto the vibrations of rebirth and resurrection.
Making Space for Emotions – A Do It Yourself Guide for Healing Your Emotions.
I would like to introduce you to Irene Langeveld, my first ever GUEST BLOGGER. Irene is a dear friend and gifted healer. I think you will enjoy her views on Making Space for Emotions.
– by Irene Langeveld
Emotions are some of the most beautiful AND challenging aspects of living life as a human. I believe that it is very important to acknowledge and feel your emotions, all of them. There is no point in denying or neglecting challenging emotions because when you do that, they will hit you again at a later time. And when they do, they might hit you even harder than before.
Emotions have a purpose. The can teach us. They can help us heal traumatic experiences from the past. They can help us release what no longer serves us. They can help us make different choices.
When you want to heal difficult experiences and let go of challenging emotions, it is important find a balance between feeling the emotions and making sure that you keep moving forward and don’t get stuck in the emotions. In order to find that balance, I always advise to work with the emotions that come up in the now moment. There is no need to go look for the emotions. They will show themselves in the right time.
Maybe you suddenly find yourself in a situation that reminds you of a traumatic situation earlier in your life. This can bring up intense emotions and reactions. The gift of the current situation is that it helps you heal your past by bringing to the surface the emotions that you haven’t released yet. It is an opportunity to look deeper and do your healing work. After you’ve cleared the emotions that came up you will be able to move on with greater ease and clarity.
Sometimes the emotions that need to be healed don’t show themselves completely at first sight. It can feel like they are present somewhere in the background, causing you to not feel completely well. It is only when you take the time to look at them and bring them to the forefront that they really show themselves.
In my life, this usually shows as a general feeling of not feeling 100%. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy either. Often I don’t feel motivated to do things or I’m not focused. In those situations I now know that there is something for me to look at in the emotional realm. After I’ve done my inner work I usually feel much better.
This process of inner exploration is what I’m going to share with you here. It will help you get clarity on what you’re working with, go to the core and release the emotion. Here we go:
The first step in this process is to be aware that there actually IS an emotion to work with. This may sound silly but if you keep running around with this nagging feeling in the background and don’t pay attention, nothing will move. It might take some time for you to find your personal signals that show you that you have something to look at.
After you’ve noticed or suspected that there are emotions asking to be healed, then you need to be willing to take your time to look at that emotion and to help it shift. There are several ways you can do that.
Sometimes it is enough to just be quiet and take a few deep breaths. The stillness and breathing might bring up the emotion. Just keep breathing with whatever you are feeling. Focusing on your breath will help you stay in the here and now.
The emotion might get stronger when you actually sit down and pay attention, and that is perfect. It shows that it is moving. You will feel much better after you’ve allowed that wave of emotion to flow through you. When it can flow through you it can then leave you.
If you feel tension in a specific part of your body you can imagine that you breathe towards that place. That will help ease the tension. You’re not pushing anything out, you are just allowing everything to be as it is and allowing it to move through you.
Sometimes just being with whatever is present in you is all that is needed. Other times, you might need to go deeper.
When I feel that the emotion isn’t moving I know I need to dive deeper and see if there is something for me to learn or to know about the emotion. When that happens I usually start a conversation with myself. Speaking the words out loud forces me to formulate the words and get specific. Here are some suggestions for questions you can ask yourself to get to the core of the emotion.
When you’re feeling anxious or fearful, you can ask yourself:
“What am I afraid of?” “What would happen if this situation that I’m afraid of arises?” “Why is that so bad?” Keep asking the why-questions until you feel you are at the core. Breathe with all the feelings that might come up during this process. Breathing allows everything to shift. You are clearing the fear in this way. When you are at the core of your fear, you will usually feel it or have a knowing that ‘this is it’.
When you’re feeling angry, you might ask yourself:
“Why am I angry?” “What do I think I need from the other and why? “Do I feel I am not being seen, valued or acknowledged?” “Why is that so bad?” “do I feel threatened and why?” “What does this situation remind me of?”
Some people feel sadness where other people feel anger. This might have to do with how much you have been allowed to feel anger in your life. If you were never allowed to be angry, you could have developed a pattern where you feel sad instead of angry. If that is the case you can use the questions about anger on your sadness.
Sadness doesn’t always need to be crystal clear. Sometimes when you’re feeling sad, just the allowing of that feeling is what is needed. Grief needs to be felt more than analysed.
Beneath anger is often a fear. Fear of being rejected or misunderstood, fear of not being safe, fear of not being taken care of, etcetera. If you notice this, continue with the questions about fear and anxiety and keep breathing with everything that comes up. This is deep healing work that you’re doing and it is important to acknowledge that.
And that brings me to my final point: When you’ve done your healing work like this, make sure you take really good care of yourself. You deserve it! Take a bit of rest or do something that makes you smile if that’s possible. Be proud of yourself and be gentle with yourself the rest of the day.
About Irene Langeveld
Irene Langeveld is an intuitive coach & speaker dedicated to helping people live a joyful, heart-centered life. She offers coaching and online courses on heart-centered living, intuitive development and emotional re- balancing. Her passion is to integrate the higher energies into her everyday experiences and to help others do the same.
If you’d like to get a taste of Irene’s work and her heartfelt meditations, watch her free video & meditation series on Heart Centered Living on her website: www.IreneLangeveld.com
Allowing Spirit to Guide Me…(And Other Adventures on the Way to El Pollo Loco)
Before I begin my story, let me just caution you that what I am going to share with you I DO NOT RECOMMEND. This is something that happens to me in my line of work, and I don’t advise it for anyone. That WARNING in place, let me continue….
A few weeks ago, I was into the middle of my day doing sessions and as I looked at the clock my stomach began growling. I had exactly enough time to run to El Pollo Loco – a tasty Mexican Chicken restaurant with a drive thru window – grab some lunch and eat it at home before my next session and then pick up the kids from school. YAY! I was excited.
I get in my car, crank up some tunes and am on my way. I drive a few blocks and suddenly things begin to
shift. I fall into trance.
I hear my guides begin to speak with me about a little girl who is having some issues with disconnect going
on in her brain. My guides show me the little girl’s brain in holographic form. I am shown the synaptic
pathways and where there are disconnects that need some extra energy sent to remove energetic blocks and assist with the information flow of the brain. My guides then walk me through the process of connecting to her pineal gland and completing a clearing of this energy center, as well as show me the method in which her mother, a Reiki Master, can do this process as well. Fascinating stuff! It all becomes crystal clear to me that I need to share this information with the Mom.
I realize, at this point, I am pulling into the parking lot at El Pollo Loco. My stomach is still growling…..hmmmm….do I ditch lunch and call the Mom? How the hell did I get here anyway? There’s a line at El Pollo Loco in drive thru…..hey…I can do both! I make the call to the Mom and start clammering on about what information came through, trying my best not to sound like a psycho lunatic and thanking God that she is open to this stuff. Then it’s my turn in line.
“Can you hold on please? ” (Mom holds)
“Yes, I’d like a chicken combo with beans please. Thank you.” (give my order to drive thru)
“Sorry about that. Yes, so then you connect with her pineal gland and sense for synaptic pathways that
appear weak. You will get a vibe on what kind of energy or symbol to send, it may even appear as a color or sound frequency.”
As I answer the mother’s questions, it becomes my turn to pay for and pick up my order. I am speaking on my car’s bluetooth system so it’s on speakerphone and as I am speaking about pineal glands, brain
connection and energy work, the cashier gives me a funny look but my order comes out REALLY FAST with extra napkins and everything! I can only imagine her thoughts on what she was seeing and hearing.
While I don’t recommend trancing out while you drive, I am so happy that I was open to the experience.
Spirit connects with us when it is divine time. Had I waited till I had a few extra moments to spare in the day, I could’ve missed that amazing sequence of information and techniques I knew nothing about previously.
You never know when Spirit is going to give you a message. It might even be on your way to El Pollo Loco.
This is one reason why I avoid McDonalds…..Those Golden Arches might just be a portal of some kind. I went there once and something stuck with me for the last 27 years. I call him my husband. LOL!
Many people don’t understand what happens to a child when they are sexually abused. I can only speak from my personal experience, but I know from working with others who have been through this type of horrid happening, that they are misjudged. People who have not stood in the shoes of a victim should not even attempt to calculate what they “would” do, because until you are put in a certain situation, you really just don’t know.
Many children will bury their hurt and their pain. They will stuff it and pretend that it doesn’t exist. My abuse began when I was three years old and even as the first act happened, it was my saving grace to splinter off and go somewhere else. I can recall witnessing each encounter with my attacker from a third person stance where I was floating above the situation, removed from it. I believe this was my first experience with the Angels and that they were assisting in this out of body type viewpoint to save me. I know with all my heart had I not stuffed and locked away the five years of abuse I would not be alive today. Leaving my body helped me deal with the pain. Hiding the memory helped me deal with life.
As we all know, things don’t remain hidden forever. The “secret” manifested in my body as a physical ailment and my ovarian system was a complicated wreck! I suffered from ovarian issues beginning at age 13 and on into my mid 30’s. In my mid 30’s during the eruption of an ovarian cyst, the memories I had hidden for so long began to come to the surface. It was as if the body could not longer contain the pain and the secret. Much like a volcano builds up pressure, I erupted.
It’s been a long road from that moment to now. I find it interesting that once the memories came forward that the health issues stopped. Physical problems that had plagued me the majority of my life simply vanished. I wish the emotional healing were that simple. I was thrust under the microscope of those close to me, “Why didn’t you say something earlier? Why are you telling this now? Why can’t you just get over it? Are you making this up?”
My saddened response was, “What purpose would I have in creating a falsity like this?” It hurt my soul to know that by many I wasn’t believed, even though this attacker had raped another relative (no, she didn’t come forward either) as well as he had made passes and advances on other family members, all of which I found out about later.
I found myself trapped between two worlds for a while – the childlike me and the adult me. It was as if I had to relive and bring those memories back into my mind in order to heal them. I went through various stages of PTSD as memories of the abuse would come to the surface and I could not control it. I would be shopping at the market and suddenly the panic attack would come over me. I could smell him, I could feel him. It was as if I was that little girl, sprawled out on the bathroom floor all over again. Life and my emotions became a huge balancing act.
Fast forward to today. I still can be triggered, and actually that’s been going on the last few months. When I feel as if I am under attack, emotionally or otherwise, those last bits of memories I have not healed and released come forward. It was during one such recent moment when it came into my awareness that though my abuser was dead, his soul had not crossed. He was an earthbound spirit, suffering and wandering the earth plane in misery. I will admit, this information gave me some satisfaction that karma reigns supreme. What we do to others does come back to us in one form or another. I was pleased he was hurting. I celebrated that he was finally getting his just rewards for the pain he had caused. The little girl in me wanted to do the happy dance, knowing that payback was in place.
Weeks passed. The triggers subsided. Yet still the thoughts of my abuser remained in the back of my mind. I knew, from the work that I do, that I could help him cross over. It was a no-brainer. I’ve dealt with earthbound spirits before and assisted in their crossing to the other side. But did I want to do this? Did I want to end his suffering? Didn’t he deserve to be in misery?
And herein lies the duality of existence – living the human life as a soul. For with all the tools and learning I have, my human mind and human heart are still very much intact. As a soul, I had to address this with myself. Could I act beyond my own hurt and pain? Could I rise above it and help the very person who had impacted my life on such a large degree?
I sat in deep meditation this morning with my guides around me. It was time. It was time to let go. It was time to move to a deeper state of light and holding on to this pain was no longer serving me. I shifted into healer mode, and as I did so I could feel Arch Angel Jophiel and Arch Angel Michael beside me and gathered with them were the Arch Angels Raphael and Gabriel. I could sense my uncle and his pain as Arch Angel Gabriel brought down the tunnel of light. Raphael and Gabriel took him by his hands to guide him through, but he resisted. He said that it was a trap. He was not going to the pits of hell. He knew what was waiting for him.
I walked towards him and placed my hand on his heart. I focused on sending as much light as possible into his spirit. As I did so, I began to clear his energy, calling to release any vibration or lower forms that were holding him here and preventing his crossing. As the clearing progressed, I saw an entity leave his energy field. I recognized the eyes of this entity, for I had seen it each time my uncle molested me. With a flash, the energies were drawn into the light and suddenly my uncle was cleared. He was lighter and brighter and his entire structure and mannerisms changed. He stumbled forward, to the tunnel of light, turning to look back at me.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Please forgive me.” And in that very moment, I did. I let it go. I forgave him. I released the past pains as I watched him enter a space of higher vibration and unconditional love he hadn’t experienced in quite some time.
And here I am, experiencing a higher vibration and unconditional love as well, just on another level. I am here in the duality of life, realizing that being human is a juggling act. Sometimes it’s best to act and react as the stumbling human that I am, and other times it takes embracing my soul to truly understand what this life is really all about – LOVE.
This coming Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of the passing of my father, Dale Wolfe, Sr. As the approach of this day has loomed seemingly over my head since the start of this month, it has brought much reflection to my life. Once the calendar flipped over to the month of June, I set a conscious intention to make July as busy as possible so that I would be distracted and would not have time to feel the sadness that still knocks me to my knees at times. There is a hole in my heart that no one else can fill. And even though I know Dad’s spirit is around me, and seen quite often by my son, it is not the same. That human being that I am is still a very sense oriented person. I want to hold Dad’s hand again. I want to feel his strong arms around me. I want to see those hazel eyes twinkle and hear that amazing laugh. I want and I want, but it doesn’t seem to change things.
In the higher perspective, I have the conscious awareness that it was Dad’s “time” to go. He was ready to let go of his physical form and no longer be in pain. Cancer is a terrible illness and involves so much on an energetic level I couldn’t even explain it in words. If I could perhaps set off a nuclear bomb that’s radiation infects everything within it’s path for miles and miles of existence, it might begin to scratch the surface of what this horrid disease does to a person. I am forever grateful that my dear Father no longer feels this pain or struggle within himself.
It’s been a long year without him. Milestones and tragedies have occurred in the family. We lost my father in law, George, six months after Dad passed, to cancer as well. Dad’s spirit was there at the hospital as I assisted George in his transition, guiding me and supporting me every step of the way. When I had to be strong for my husband and our family, Dad was there lending his hand and his strength to me once more. So often I am drawn to pick up the phone and call him to share something that’s happened with my kids or ask for one of his pearls of wisdom, and then I realize that I can’t do that anymore. But now he knows without me even saying the words. I find myself singing the songs we liked to sing or watching the westerns we would watch together. Recently when I went to the theater to see a new western, I could feel Dad right there next to me, talking to me about how much the Lone Ranger had changed since he used to see it.
There is much that saddens me, but in so many ways I am forever thankful for the new connection that Dad and I share. I truly feel he is the one person in the whole wide world that ever really understood me and never judged me. To say this man loved me unconditionally would be an understatement. He didn’t always understand what I did, or agree with my belief systems, but he accepted me.
I hadn’t realized until just recently how much guilt I was holding onto in regards to how Dad passed. Me, being so enlightened and all (right!) just assumed I aligned with that higher understanding of each soul choosing their exit point and transitioning when it was there chosen time. Someone should have explained that to my unconscious and conscious mind, because in the depths of those realms laid a heavy weight of false belief thinking I could have done something different to prevent his passing and the accident that ultimately caused his death. That little girl inside me that he’d protected and safeguarded my whole life was questioning how on earth I could not do the same for my beloved father. Why had I failed him? How could I fail him?
Just writing those words takes the air out of my lungs.
My father was the first to step forward upon this realization and ask to assist in helping me clear that energy. He reassured me that it was nothing I did or did not do. He wasn’t living a life he wanted to live anymore and he was through with hospitals, chemo treatments and being poked and prodded. He couldn’t be the man he wanted to be and so he chose to move into a different vibration that allowed him the freedom to watch over his family. This was his solution, he said, this was his soul-ution. As he spoke to me a clarity came over my mind and my body. I felt a peace I hadn’t felt in some time move through me.
So where is the gift in all this? Of course it is that my father is no longer in pain and as the eternal soul that he is, he is still present in my life. But is there more that I am to learn from this? Was there something else? I posed these questions to my Dad this morning as I enjoyed the few moments of quiet time I had. When I looked back at the last few years in my life and the losses I’ve experienced on a personal level – two very close friends and the two fathers in my life – as well as the many transitions I’ve assisted with, I felt like there was more I was supposed to understand.
So many people turn to you to bring through messages from their loved ones who have passed because they are in such a deep state of grief, my father said. What if you could teach them to move through that grief by connecting with their loved ones from the other side? The healing can go hand in hand, just as it has worked for you. Think of the times I’ve asked you to give me your pain so that I could assist you. Think of the energy, prayer and emotional techniques you’ve used over the last year and what has helped you. What if you could teach others this very same thing? Moving through the emotions, connecting to their loved ones and having Angelic assistance to boot! Sounds like a great plan to me!
Yep, Dad. It sounds like a great plan to me too. Looks like there is another gift here to be found. I think I’ve got a lot of writing to do and a big project in the works now. Good thing I’ve got help with this one!
Does times heal all wounds? I think the void that is created when we lose a loved one through death is a deep wound. But as with all wounds, the healing begins when we find the right remedy. Perhaps the best soul-ution for that is filling the void with the love we feel for those that have passed and making the conscious choice to connect with them.
I love you, Daddy. Thanks for helping me to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.
Sensing Spirits and Angels can be absolutely incredible! Being able to connect people with their loved ones on the other side is also very rewarding and healing. Some of what I see and sense is not comfortable, and has taken some getting used to. Some of it I will never understand and there are those instances when I will put up the barrier and down right demand that I not come into connection with certain energies.
Here’s a recent experience I’ve been dealing with over the last few days:
I was in the shower (and water is a great conductor of energy, btw, so some of our greatest visions and connections will happen around water) and a flash of a scene played out in my head. I saw a young man I connected with years ago. His face was vivid and clear. In the next instance I saw him on the floor, looking like he was passed out. Then I saw his soul leave his body. All this happened in a matter of moments. I hadn’t seen him in years. I was not close to him, had no way of contacting him, so I brushed it off. Just a weird flash of energy, I thought. Nothing more, nothing less.
Well that’s what I thought….until days later I heard through the grapevine that this man had died. He had died a sudden death, collapsing and being found hours later. The news saddened me to my core. It’s not that I felt responsible, for I know there was no way of me preventing this. I was sad because he was so young and such a beautiful soul with an amazing heart. The kind of guy that would literally give you the shirt off his back. I couldn’t figure out why I had the premonition. I don’t want premonitions. They make me feel helpless. It’s one thing to question if a certain event will happen and it’s another to be handed the information, whether you want it or not.
Years ago, when I had my first premonition, I was about 6 or 7 years old and I saw the death of a family member before it happened. That continued, and with family members I seemed to be accepting of it. Then ten or twelve years ago, I was sitting at my computer and I was shown a very intense scene – a father and son were washed away by a flash flood. I saw their bodies under the overpass, I got the name of the street. I felt the pain of their last breaths, the overwhelm of the Dad knowing he couldn’t save his son, the pressure as their lungs filled with water. I wrote the vision down and the next day looked up the street name. It happened to be in a town where a father and son were missing. They later found the bodies near the overpass of that street.
I was mad! Why on Earth would God give me this information if there was nothing I could do? I didn’t want to feel people’s deaths…I didn’t want to experience their pain. What was I going to do, call up a police department in Tim Buck Two and say oh, by the way, I was having a vision and this is what I saw? Who would believe me? Even I was second guessing my sanity.
A short time later I was asked to tap into a missing child’s case. A friend has asked for my input. I took the young girl’s photo and connected with her energy. I saw her in an open field and she was playing. Then I saw a man approach her. He lured her to his car where he did terrible things to her and later killed the child. I stopped the scene was it was playing out. It knocked me off kilter. I didn’t want to see this, didn’t want to feel it, and couldn’t separate my emotions from connecting with the evil coming from the man and the helplessness of the child. It made me physically ill. I threw up. I had an anxiety attack. It was more than my soul could bare.
I decided to make a pact with God, my guides and my Angels. I had the big pow-wow. I outlined what I was willing to do to be of service – energy work, shamanic travel, reading, connecting with the other side to bring through information to assist others. I told them I would slay the demons if need be and remove dark entities from people, homes and spaces. But what I would NOT do was allow my abilities to be used to see into situations I could offer no help or assistance. I did not want to see things in the future that were beyond my control and I did not want to be involved in murder cases or violence against children. I had to set my clear boundaries of what felt right for me.
Since that time, I’ve never had an issue. One big pow-wow, the boundaries were set and I thought it was all good, at least up until a few days ago. Why was I getting this information? I wasn’t asking for it, that’s for sure.
So tonight, I sat down with Arch Angel Michael. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why our “deal” was broken. What was the greater lesson here, cause all I was feeling was sadness and helplessness.
Arch Angel Michael’s response:
Breathe deeply, for I know you are upset. This has rocked you to your core. It makes no logical sense so allow me to show you the light within the situation.
When you first connected with this man, you saw his light. You felt his heart. You saw the passion for life within him and within the work he brought to this world. You experienced his greatness and this energy was imprinted in your mind. Though you had no personal connection with him, he impacted your thoughts on life, on humanity and on the light that can exist within a human form. You literally came into contact with his soul that day. You made that strong of a connection with him.
When he left this world, you felt that as well. The days that came before his exit point, as a soul he was pondering his demise, going over the issues of being complete with his lesson and path. You FELT THIS. You felt this soul that touched your life contemplating his death. It was merely an awareness coming into your consciousness. It was nothing more and nothing less. Just as we are all one, part of the All That Is, you felt the decision in the works for him to leave his human body and step completely into the light. You sensed the change in energy and vibration. Do not take this as a bad thing. It is not negative. Look at the amazing gift this man gave you – the ability to see a soul, to feel a heart, and to see light within motion.
Do not grieve the loss or the suddenness of the experience. Celebrate the way one soul touched another. Celebrate the realization and confirmation once again that the soul is eternal.
We are all one in the same. We are of the same light, created with the same unconditional love. Understand that as a soul you have the opportunity to touch the lives of others just as this man has touched yours. He impacted you because you chose to be open to the experience. You chose to open your heart and your eyes to truly see him in his entirety. How could that be anything less than a miracle?
Allow yourself to see the light in this, my Dear. Let go of the false belief that this was a bad experience.
Well, put in that perspective, how could I view this as anything less than a gift?
We really don’t know the impact we have on others. I spent less than a few hours time with this man, and yet he’s brought a profound awareness into my life. Think of how you impact others. When we take the time to be aligned with who we really are, we shine our brightest.
I am grateful to have connected with such a beautiful spirit. He is much loved and forever imprinted upon my heart.