It’s Okay to Say, “NO”
Most children learn the word, “no,”during the terrible twos age. They are creating their own space and searching for their independence by asserting what they like, what they don’t like and what they just have no use in trying out whatsoever. It’s a part of understanding the process of setting boundaries and even goes deeper than that if you care to discuss the mainstay of human survival. We, as humans, need to create healthy boundaries so we can exist and flourish in this game of life. That’s one of the reasons small children are so fond of the word no – they are expressing their power and trying to assert control over their lives. Now, at two years old, there’s really not a heck of a lot of control they have, but it sets the tone for all things later in life.
But what happens when a child is taught to not create these boundaries? What happens when a child is taught that they cannot say no, and that its okay for other people to dominate them, control them and abuse them?
I can tell you it’s not easy to set boundaries, or even feel like you have a right to tell someone, “no”, when it’s been instilled in you that you have no voice, that your feelings don’t matter, and someone else’s pleasure takes precedent over your pain. As a kid, you feel like you just don’t matter, or you bury it somewhere deep inside in a dark place where it grows like a disease in the recesses of suppressed memory.
Saying, “NO,” sound so simple, right? It’s a small word. It’s easy to pronounce. Most people understand it, no matter their language. And yet, it can be so difficult to express for many of us.
When my uncle first abused me at the age of three, I didn’t know what was happening. I trusted him. I loved him. I just thought he was giving me a bath. When I felt the physical pain of it, he told me this was the way it was supposed to be and I couldn’t say no. I gave away all my power to him.
This set up a lifetime of continuously doing that over and over and over again – giving away my power, especially to those I viewed as authority figures, or older adults. I suffered sexual abuse more times than I care to remember or dwell upon. When I would get in situations where I felt a physical, mental, or emotional violation, I would withdraw and go right back to that three-year old perspective of not having a voice. The times when I did seem to find my voice, it came out screeching and filled with venom. It was as if all the times I hadn’t spoken were bottled up inside and came out in one gigantic wave. The emotion would be so strong, that my opinion still didn’t matter, because I came across as a screaming shrew.
Finding that balance of speaking my truth, while being in my power has been one of my greatest lessons. It’s still something I contend with and am very sensitive about. I analyze my words and do my best to keep myself in check to make sure I am not exaggerating based on an emotional trigger. And honestly, sometimes, I just let the words rip from my mouth, because that’s what the situation calls for.
Mostly, I’ve discovered I am a whole lot happier and healthier by allowing myself to say, “NO”. That word means not at all, to no extent, and it’s necessary to set those boundaries for yourself. It’s not your job to make everyone happy. You owe it to yourself to BE happy.
I’ve learned it’s okay to say, “NO,” to anyone – your spouse, your kids, your family, your friends, your boss, etc. Heck, it’s okay to SCREAM it if you need to.
Just don’t say, “NO,” to your power and your boundaries. They are important and YOU are worthy of them.
On the way home from running errands, I heard a voice say, “You need to stop at the cemetery.” I tried to brush it aside, because I have a bizillion things to do on my to do list today, but as I got closer to the cemetery, I began hearing a little girl’s name and seeing flowers next to a grave and knew I had to stop.
I pulled up to the side of the children’s part of the cemetery and asked to be shown where I needed to go. I soon found a recent grave with a flower arrangement, teddy bear and angel statue upon it. This was under a shade tree and as I tuned into the energy around me I saw her, a little girl, looking about 18 months old, hiding behind the tree, looking lost.
All I wanted to do was gather her up in my arms and take all her fears away. I began to communicate with her, and she was very timid, very shy and very scared. I asked for one of my power animals to connect with her and as he came over and rubbed his head against her, she began to smile.
This little soul was earthbound, so much in shock from a sudden death and pulled to the Earth plane by her grieving parents, that she didn’t cross over. It wasn’t that she wasn’t worthy or anything like that, she had just resisted when it was time to cross and was therefor stuck between two worlds.
I connected with Arch Angel Gabriel and asked for the tunnel of light to open for her, and Arch Angel Jophiel came forward and started coaxing the girl towards the light. Jophiel and my animal spirit walking with the little girl towards the light when suddenly an older woman came through and reached out her hand to the little girl.
I believe this female spirit to be her grandmother, and one the little girl had not known in the physical, but completely recognized. She ran to the woman with delight and crossed over easily and with joy.
As I stood in the middle of the cemetery, suddenly my to do list didn’t seem so big, in fact in didn’t really matter at all. All that mattered was that moment, that moment of love, of peace and of joy.
We are all just here, walking each other home in one way or another. Take the time to listen to that inner guidance, even when it’s the last thing on your list to do. You never know what gift may be waiting for you right around the corner.
An Unforgettable Mother’s Day Experience
Each year, when Mother’s Day comes around, I am reminded of this experience I had several years ago. I wrote this article for a magazine and share it with you now in honor of all the Moms out there who care so deeply for their children.
A Mother’s Love Never Ends
My Mother’s Day experience a few years ago was one of those “ah-hah” moments that God so wonderfully puts in our path to teach us life lessons of love and wisdom. Every year when Mother’s Day comes around, I am reminded of this event that so deeply impacted my life.
My husband was scheduled for an 11 hr shift at work putting him out of the house from 10am until 9pm. This did not leave much time for us to celebrate Mother’s Day as a family, meaning more specifically him keeping our three kids in line while I was able to relax. I was disappointed, but completely understood and was concentrating on the fact that my wonderful husband took an entire week off work the previous week so that I could attend a seminar. I continued throughout the day to try to push that “being a girl” side of me away – you know the one – that overly sensitive, emotional side – well, that did not work! Trying to push that away only attracted those feelings to me more (Oh – don’t we all LOVE the LAW OF ATTRACTION!). It was like trying to keep the bar of Dove Chocolate away from the PMS victim – it was NOT going to happen. So I spent a good deal of my day being angry, feeling sorry for myself and listening to the kids fight, which I am sure was more than triggered by me being depressed. I was not in one of those “love and light” type of moods, if you get my meaning.
My husband called to see if we would meet him for an early dinner at an Italian place near his work. We went and the restaurant was closed! Mother’s Day dinner was taco shop for me, but at least I did not have to cook! On the way home from dinner, we passed by the site of a horrific car accident that happened a few miles away from our home a week earlier. The area where the accident had happened had been turned into a memorial with candles, balloons, and flowers. As I passed, I saw him again just as I had seen him in the few days previous to this one. There stood a little boy, looking lost and confused, just staring at the memorial. I knew he was lost. It did not register to him the extent of what happened and his soul had gone into shock, not able to cross over with the others. Being a medium, I see spirits and feel them, but do not always go out of my way to help them cross. At times, this is their lesson to remain earth bound, so it just depends on the energy. Some have unfinished business, others are stuck. As this is a planet of free will, I do not take it upon myself to help any spirit I might see cross over. This boy, however, tugged at my heart. As I passed by, I promised myself I would come back that evening, after things had calmed down with my kids and see if I could help him.
I returned later that night to still find him there, standing near the balloons and flowers. I pulled off the road and onto the dirt lot where the memorial was placed. One single candle was still burning. It was surreal. I had found his name through some research, as well as the name of his mother who had passed in the car crash. He stood there listlessly staring at the street where the drunk driver had hit his family’s car. Flashes of the accident went through my mind – the moments before impact when the children were laughing, when the mother and her sister were discussing their plans. I saw the force of the collision and the SUV spin out of control, flip and burst into flames. I heard the screams of everyone inside the car. I knew as I saw these visions, that this poor child was seeing the same scene, played over and over.
Tears came to my eyes as I called in my guides and the Arch Angels Michael, Gabriel and Jophiel to assist me. I asked Gabriel to make a vortex of light so that the boy could see it and pass through onto the other side. As I spoke to the boy, he was unsure of what was happening as he moved toward me and walked in my direction. I explained that his mother was waiting for him in heaven and that all was fine. He saw the light and stepped towards it but was still hesitant. I began to speak the words “I love you” in his language as his Mother reached out her hand to accept him into this tunnel of pure and divine love. They embraced and looked over at me one last time as if to say thank you and then the tunnel closed. I knew he had crossed and that his soul was at peace. It was a beautiful and loving experience for me. So many lessons I learned that Mother’s Day.
I have learned that the most loving gift and lesson I can ever have is to help another. I have learned that when I get so wrapped up in my own “stuff” the best way to get out of it if to assist someone else. The most precious thing I think any of us here on this planet can do is to serve others through love and compassion. That can be through a smile, a touch, loving energy, watering a plant, patting a pet on the head or simply speaking the words, “I Love You”. Know that we ALL make a difference here. We all have the ability to express ourselves through love and light.
This has taught me to be so grateful for what I do have in my life, and not concentrate on what is “missing”. Please, give your children an extra hug today and know how blessed we all are for having them in our lives.
On a side note, a year or so later, I was at a dear friend’s home, who happens to be a healer. I had a session with her in which she took several photos during the healing. As we sat at her table while she uploaded the images, my eyes fixated on a photo laying in front of me. I recognized the person in the image immediately. The person in the photo was the boy’s mother. She was in the photo, hovering above a man laying down on the healing bed. It looked as if she was comforting him. When I asked my friend about the picture she explained that this man’s family had been killed in a drunk driver car accident. He had come to see her before he left the country to hopefully release the guilt and grief he’d been feeling. I know with all my heart that I was meant to see this picture. It was one more confirmation and a feeling of gratitude ran through me.
God gives us no coincidences. It is up to us to see things as they are and revel in the miracles that surround us.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
Love & Laughter,
Spring Cleaning: Mind, Body and Soul
The Season of Spring is here! So often that entails clearing and cleaning those routine things, or even perhaps those issues we’ve been avoiding.
My personal cleaning and clearing began with me taking a hard look and evaluating my physical self. For much of my life I have ignored the signs and messages my body has given me and chose to push forward, masking these needs and instead traveling to an etheric playground where things like pain and suffering do not exist.
As I took inventory of the false beliefs I’d come to instill within my core self, I began to put the puzzle pieces together. So much of my ideals and underlying struggle still remained in lessons I was taught as a child.
My mother was, and still very much remains, what I like to lovingly call a pill whore. Yes, I know that sounds cold and callous, but I deal with this with my sarcasm. It’s a tool I use quite frequently. When I would have a headache, I was given a pill to cure it. When I had to have my first gynecological exam at the age of 12, I was given a valium to deal with it. When I had menstrual cramps at 13, codeine became my best friend.
I was taught that whenever you received a prescription medication, make sure to refill it, even if you didn’t really need it, because chances are you’d be sick again in the near future, or someone in the family would be, and we would need that medicine. I began doling out Mom’s meds to her by the time I was six, which was a constant combination of uppers, downers, pain killers and so forth. Drugs were plain and simple, a way of life. This is how you dealt with things.
Fast forward to present day and I find myself plagued with symptoms of low energy level, headaches, heart palpitations, hair loss, inflammation, low metabolism, and achiness over my entire body. Regular medication is not working. I intuitively know my thyroid is out of balance, even though I am on a natural medication to assist this problem. My MD feels I fall within the “normal range” of things, and that my medication does not need to be increased.
Clarification – I’ve never been normal. Let’s just make that clear.
So, for once, I decided to LISTEN to my body. I allowed myself to feel all the different things that didn’t feel right. I didn’t take a pill or an Advil to get me through it. I just sat with the feelings, searching for emotional sensations and reactions.
Through this process, I knew I needed to do something, and something drastic to try and shock my system back into balance. I looked at my poor diet and knew it needed to start there. So I began to go cold turkey – no more gluten, dairy, sugar or caffeine. The first few days were a complete blur, as I moved through the detox symptoms. It wasn’t easy and sure was not pretty.
But after a week, I began to notice something. My joints weren’t hurting. My face wasn’t puffy, the swelling in my legs and feet had vanished and quite interestingly enough, I did not have the recurrent headaches. I began exercising daily, moving my body and increasing my water intake.
I also rediscovered the wonderful gift of daily meditation. Each morning, I would take quiet time for me and go into a healing trance, calling in my Spiritual Support Team and asking for their assistance in clearing away that which I needed to let go of. I would concentrate on bringing in a higher vibration to repair damage caused within the body and then I would fill the void with light.
Then began another part of the clearing.
I opened up my medicine cabinet one morning and saw the truth staring back at me. Here were bottles and bottles of unused prescription drugs I was no longer taking. I opened drawers and found more and more bottles – my “just in case” stash that I’d accumulated from various aches and pains. Some had never even been used or opened, because I refused to take them. I began the process of removing all the drugs from my stash, and realized I was building a large mound of prescription bottles. By the time I’d cleaned out my drawers, I had 32 prescriptions. These were an accumulation over the last four years, from when my health had various ups and downs.
I was shocked when I saw the pile of bottles. They had been hidden inside my drawers and medicine cabinet, hardly ever seeing the light of day, just like so many of the aches and pains I had stored in my body.
I correctly disposed of the meds, and thought about this clearing process. By trashing these pills I’d been hanging onto because of a pattern I’d acquired since childhood, I let go of all that stagnant energy. I realized that when I listen to my body when it is trying to tell me something, I can usually figure out what it is I need to do. Most times it’s an easy fix, some deep breathing, a glass of water, stretching, a walk or maybe I need to express something I’ve been holding back. I am finally really grasping the lesson of self-coping and being present.
I understand that prescription medications have their place in this world, and they have saved countless lives. But I also believe they are harshly overused and severely abused within our society. There is never a magic button to push or a magic pill to swallow that makes everything better.
Finally, at the ripe old age of 44, I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I am listening to my body now as much as I do to my spirit. For me, that is a huge change and one that I am deeply embracing on every level.
It’s a beautiful gift when we can appreciate the wonder and blessings that exist right inside us. They’ve always been there. Sometimes we just ignore them or perhaps were never shown how to find them in the first place.
It’s never too late to start exploring….go ahead. Have fun with it!
I am looking forward to continuing on in the blessed energy of springtime, holding onto the vibrations of rebirth and resurrection.
Angel Blessings to you,
Making Space for Emotions – A Do It Yourself Guide for Healing Your Emotions.
I would like to introduce you to Irene Langeveld, my first ever GUEST BLOGGER. Irene is a dear friend and gifted healer. I think you will enjoy her views on Making Space for Emotions.
– by Irene Langeveld
Emotions are some of the most beautiful AND challenging aspects of living life as a human. I believe that it is very important to acknowledge and feel your emotions, all of them. There is no point in denying or neglecting challenging emotions because when you do that, they will hit you again at a later time. And when they do, they might hit you even harder than before.
Emotions have a purpose. The can teach us. They can help us heal traumatic experiences from the past. They can help us release what no longer serves us. They can help us make different choices.
When you want to heal difficult experiences and let go of challenging emotions, it is important find a balance between feeling the emotions and making sure that you keep moving forward and don’t get stuck in the emotions. In order to find that balance, I always advise to work with the emotions that come up in the now moment. There is no need to go look for the emotions. They will show themselves in the right time.
Maybe you suddenly find yourself in a situation that reminds you of a traumatic situation earlier in your life. This can bring up intense emotions and reactions. The gift of the current situation is that it helps you heal your past by bringing to the surface the emotions that you haven’t released yet. It is an opportunity to look deeper and do your healing work. After you’ve cleared the emotions that came up you will be able to move on with greater ease and clarity.
Sometimes the emotions that need to be healed don’t show themselves completely at first sight. It can feel like they are present somewhere in the background, causing you to not feel completely well. It is only when you take the time to look at them and bring them to the forefront that they really show themselves.
In my life, this usually shows as a general feeling of not feeling 100%. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy either. Often I don’t feel motivated to do things or I’m not focused. In those situations I now know that there is something for me to look at in the emotional realm. After I’ve done my inner work I usually feel much better.
This process of inner exploration is what I’m going to share with you here. It will help you get clarity on what you’re working with, go to the core and release the emotion. Here we go:
The first step in this process is to be aware that there actually IS an emotion to work with. This may sound silly but if you keep running around with this nagging feeling in the background and don’t pay attention, nothing will move. It might take some time for you to find your personal signals that show you that you have something to look at.
After you’ve noticed or suspected that there are emotions asking to be healed, then you need to be willing to take your time to look at that emotion and to help it shift. There are several ways you can do that.
Sometimes it is enough to just be quiet and take a few deep breaths. The stillness and breathing might bring up the emotion. Just keep breathing with whatever you are feeling. Focusing on your breath will help you stay in the here and now.
The emotion might get stronger when you actually sit down and pay attention, and that is perfect. It shows that it is moving. You will feel much better after you’ve allowed that wave of emotion to flow through you. When it can flow through you it can then leave you.
If you feel tension in a specific part of your body you can imagine that you breathe towards that place. That will help ease the tension. You’re not pushing anything out, you are just allowing everything to be as it is and allowing it to move through you.
Sometimes just being with whatever is present in you is all that is needed. Other times, you might need to go deeper.
When I feel that the emotion isn’t moving I know I need to dive deeper and see if there is something for me to learn or to know about the emotion. When that happens I usually start a conversation with myself. Speaking the words out loud forces me to formulate the words and get specific. Here are some suggestions for questions you can ask yourself to get to the core of the emotion.
When you’re feeling anxious or fearful, you can ask yourself:
“What am I afraid of?” “What would happen if this situation that I’m afraid of arises?” “Why is that so bad?” Keep asking the why-questions until you feel you are at the core. Breathe with all the feelings that might come up during this process. Breathing allows everything to shift. You are clearing the fear in this way. When you are at the core of your fear, you will usually feel it or have a knowing that ‘this is it’.
When you’re feeling angry, you might ask yourself:
“Why am I angry?” “What do I think I need from the other and why? “Do I feel I am not being seen, valued or acknowledged?” “Why is that so bad?” “do I feel threatened and why?” “What does this situation remind me of?”
Some people feel sadness where other people feel anger. This might have to do with how much you have been allowed to feel anger in your life. If you were never allowed to be angry, you could have developed a pattern where you feel sad instead of angry. If that is the case you can use the questions about anger on your sadness.
Sadness doesn’t always need to be crystal clear. Sometimes when you’re feeling sad, just the allowing of that feeling is what is needed. Grief needs to be felt more than analysed.
Beneath anger is often a fear. Fear of being rejected or misunderstood, fear of not being safe, fear of not being taken care of, etcetera. If you notice this, continue with the questions about fear and anxiety and keep breathing with everything that comes up. This is deep healing work that you’re doing and it is important to acknowledge that.
And that brings me to my final point: When you’ve done your healing work like this, make sure you take really good care of yourself. You deserve it! Take a bit of rest or do something that makes you smile if that’s possible. Be proud of yourself and be gentle with yourself the rest of the day.
About Irene Langeveld
Irene Langeveld is an intuitive coach & speaker dedicated to helping people live a joyful, heart-centered life. She offers coaching and online courses on heart-centered living, intuitive development and emotional re- balancing. Her passion is to integrate the higher energies into her everyday experiences and to help others do the same.
If you’d like to get a taste of Irene’s work and her heartfelt meditations, watch her free video & meditation series on Heart Centered Living on her website: www.IreneLangeveld.com
You can also listen to Irene’s free grounding meditation to balance and center yourself: www.IreneLangeveld.com/grounding-meditation/