Today I learned a valuable lesson from a wonderful friend. She shared wisdom I have heard many times before, but apparently the one billionth time is the charm!! I can be a bit STUBBORN at times, if you haven’t already figured that out.
I seem to have a repeating theme of “not fitting in” on my journey here on Earth. I know, hard to believe, but not everyone takes very kindly to speaking to angels, seeing spirits, or laying healing hands on the ill. Thankfully, I live in the United States, where I have the right to continue on with my belief systems and practices. I have yet to see the men in the white coats with straight jacket in hand, SO FAR! As a child, I was called a liar and nut if I shared what I was seeing and feeling. I remember slumber parties and weekend school trips where people would actually refuse to be in the same room with me because they thought my “evil” would wear off on them.
As I became older, it was more and more painful for me not to express my intuition. I remember journaling page after page of feelings, senses and visions, feeling that the paper was my only confidant. Pushing away my senses was the best way I could deal with regular life, and so that became the tool of choice. Fortunately, God had another plan in mind.
Stepping out of the “spiritual closet” to those who do not share your belief systems is not an easy thing. There is the fear of acceptance and ridicule, the worry of judgment and retaliation, and lets just add in the soul memory of persecution in lifetimes past for practicing similar ways. Flying out of the broom closet is especially difficult to do with those within the family. Family members are forever connected to you. They are not friends or coworkers you can easily write out of your life. Let’s face it…we are stuck with them!
Coming from a long line of people pleasers, I have danced around what I do and how I do it for many years with certain relatives. I did so to avoid any added tension or disdain. But there came a time when I realized the amount of worry and energy I put into “hiding” was a waste of time and effort. No longer did I feel the need to explain the retreats, vision quests, or smell of sage in the house. I didn’t want to close the door where I kept my altar, or put away my healing tools when company came over. Now, the live bats and roosters were kept in the garage, so there was no worry of relatives seeing those…LOL!
No one was forcing me to cover my tracks. My husband wasn’t urging me to be quiet. It was all my doing, my fear and my insecurity. With one of the relatives, it took me over twenty years to tell her. Shortly after I wrote my first book, I showed it to her and had her read the back of it where my bio was printed. My heart was beating fast and my hands were shaking when I handed the book to her. I had worked myself up so much, desperately wanting her approval, that I hopelessly gave my power away, investing each last crumb of it in her reaction.
Did she throw her arms around me and proclaim her undying affection?
No, she did not.
Did she hold up a cross and spray holy water on me, and begin to pray for my soul?
No, not this time (that happened in our lifetime during the Spanish Inquisition when she had me set on fire…not kidding).
Her reaction was a simple, “Oh.” That was it – Oh. I handed her my business card that evening as she left and told her to check out my website if she was interested. No, I did not send one of my books home with her. I really didn’t need another energetic slap in the face. That book was one of my greatest accomplishments. I had written in my journal when I was in fourth grade that I dreamed of being a writer someday and publishing my own book. That lifelong dream became reality and instead of basking in my glory, I allowed one reaction to bring me down.
Why? I asked myself that question over and over again. Why did I continually wish for her acceptance and approval? What was missing in me, that I looked for within the respect I’d hope she give me? Was I that weak? Did I value myself so little that I cracked each time she was around?
I asked the Angels to show me the lesson in this relationship. I prayed for guidance. Arch Angel Michael came to me and said, “It is your greatest wish to connect with each soul through love. With some, this can only be done on the higher levels. The veil is very thick with this one. No matter how hard you try, she will always have the same perception of you. Why do you continually expect any different reaction? It is not her acceptance of you that is the issue, but it is your acceptance of her. Accept her for who she is, for your will and wishing will not change her. Accept her human experience. She is not responsible for your happiness, nor should anyone else be. Owning your power means owning ALL of your power; the power of knowing you are a good person and that what you practice and believe is truth. Strive to see the God within her as you do within all and the relationship will become easier.”
WOW! Arch Angel Michael can really lay it all out there, can’t he?
So recently, when this same relative de-friended me on facebook, the old insecurities and sadness came creeping back in. That trigger was once again pushed, and those old “Why am I not good enough” thoughts played over and over in my mind. Thankfully, my wonderful friend offered me some priceless wisdom:
“She is just a mirror reminding you to love yourself, no matter what…that you don’t need anyone’s approval or acceptance, that you are already worthy and lovable. She is projecting her own fear of her own darkness on to you. She feels hopelessly flawed and very broken down deep. Send her love, if you can, and don’t take on her stuff.”
I allowed those words to sink in. The anger left. The self judgment and doubt faded. I was overcome with compassion and understanding. Here was just another human being looking for acceptance and reassurance. Not only that, but she was mirroring a very important lesson to me about those exact things.
I am reminded of Whitney Houston’s Home Going Service this past Saturday. I watched most of the service at home on television, and was so very moved by Kevin Costner’s words. He spoke of his friendship with Whitney, and that no matter that she was such a beautiful, talented, amazing woman, she still asked the same questions, “Am I good enough? Did I do my best? Will they like me?” I was astounded to learn that a woman so many of us admired still worried about such things. I pray that she may be our mirror now, showing us that it doesn’t matter what others think of you – good, bad, right, wrong or indifferent. It is what we think of ourselves that matters. Think of how many awards, fan letters, compliments, and good reviews Whitney must have received in her life time. While all those things are noteworthy and wonderful, they didn’t matter as much as what she thought of herself.
I know that now, Whitney feels the love shared by so many for her. It is my deepest intention that we learn to open ourselves to feel that type of love while we exist in human form. It should never take a passing of a soul for them to learn their true worth.
Mirroring Love & Laughter,